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Self and Others — The Principle of Connection

Hello, everyone!  Today we reach the seventh and final principle in my series on balancing self and others.  Next week, I’ll wrap this up.  Then I’ll evaluate whether to continue the weekly schedule or return to writing twice a month.
(Your feedback on that, and all else in this newsletter, is welcome.  Did you like the weekly schedule?)
The seventh principle is the Principle of Connection:  We are all connected.  Our connection has important consequences, and here are the first four:
When you harm yourself, you harm others, eventually.
When you harm others, you harm yourself, eventually.
When you help yourself, you help others, eventually.
When you help others, you help yourself, eventually.
The link between ourselves and others is not always instant, close, and visible.  There may be transit time between the action and its consequences.  Sometimes the response is immediate.  Sometimes, an action that appeared to have no consequences for years suddenly develops a backlash with a vengeance - as we are seeing with cutting safety corners on well-drilling in the Gulf now, or when someone you snubbed at a party turns out to work where you are trying to get a job.
We are connected in many ways.  The atmosphere is a giant connection machine.  We’ve traced the precise compounds released by burning coal in China to air in North America.  The oceans are a connection machine, too, as we’ve seen from the scatter patterns of tennis shoes that fell from a ship.  The internet connects us, too.
I’ve spoken about mirror neurons before - our nervous systems try to copy the state of the people around us.  We only speak language - any language - because we’ve learned it from other humans or their artifacts.  We eat, breathe, and drink in a great dance of sharing atoms and molecules with others.
The economy is a living connection machine.  We pass items and services and money from hand to hand - and measure the health of the economy by how many of those transactions take place.
Perhaps the most subtle and powerful connection of all is word of mouth.  Our reputations float from person to person.  We talk to each other and about each other, and a story may gain a life of its own in the network of human connection.
How are we to live, knowing that we are all connected?  As much as you can, be kind and do no harm.  Give the little gifts you can to the people around you - a smile, a word of encouragement, an errand for a neighbor, useful and true information for the internet.  Do not pollute or steal or murder or damage or speak cruelly.  Do good work and give fair value.  Seek ways to live that benefit both yourself and others.
This is ethics: to live in the consciousness that we are all connected.  The Principle of Connection is the capstone of all the principles for balancing self and others.  It ties our own survival, the value of love, and all the other principles together.
Next week, I’ll conclude this series on balancing self and others.  Until then, may you experience the nourishment that comes from connection.
Anna

Writing Tip

What are the consequences of your characters’ actions?  Your fiction will gain a great deal of depth if you show how their actions rebound to them.

Self and Others: The Principle of Insight

Hello, everyone!  We are making steady progress through my series on balancing self and others.  Today we reach principle number six of seven.  For the duration of this series, my newsletter is coming out weekly rather than twice a month.
The sixth principle is the Principle of Insight:  Listening well is priceless.
Listening well lets you do all of this:
  • Discover the needs of your customers so you can fill them
  • Understand what your loved ones want so you can give outstanding gifts
  • Learn your own heart’s desire to create the life of your dreams
  • Detect hidden agendas and protect yourself
  • Learn subtle truths
  • Become a connoisseur of human nature - both its diversity and universality
Listening rocks.  We never learn anything new by talking - all the information goes to the listener.
More than that, I’ve found that many people harbor a hunger to really be heard.  And when they do find a deep, true listener, transformations happen.  This is one of the joys of my work as a life coach.
So how do you listen well?  Here are some useful guidelines:
1.  Become quieter.  You can only hear what makes more noise than you do.  Make fewer sounds.  Make fewer movements.  Make fewer thoughts.
2.  Be open to discovery.  If you already believe you know whatever someone may say, you cannot hear what they do say.  Be curious.  If nothing else, others know more about their own thoughts and feelings than you do.  Be humble.  It’s quite possible you are wrong or uninformed - at least once in a while!
3.  Be patient.  Let the other finish before beginning to speak.
4.  Ask clarifying and deepening questions.  Do they mean exactly what you think when they use those words?  Does what they said imply more to them than they spoke?  What, specifically, do they intend?
5.  Listen with all your senses.  Listen with your ears, of course.  Listen with your eyes.  Gestures and expressions can carry 90% of in-person communication.  Listen with your body.  Humans come with mirror neurons - specialized brain cells that try to mimic the states of people around them.  The messages from your mirror neurons often come as feelings rather than words.  If you feel suddenly anxious or elated, it may be because your mirror neurons are picking up those feelings from the other person.  So be aware of your own state as you listen.
Listening well is not easy.  It takes practice and commitment.  And in many cases, it is the most powerful action you can take to improve any relationship.
Until next time, may you truly hear and be truly heard.
Anna

Writing Tip

If your dialogue falls flat, spend more time listening.  Notice the different concerns people have, and the different ways they express them.  The principles of good listening also take interviews from bland to electric. I believe that the time Neil Gaiman spent as an interviewing journalist strongly contributes to the quality of his dialogue as a fiction writer.

Small Steps

“That’s one small step for [a] man, one giant leap for mankind.”
Neil Armstrong, as he placed the first footprint on the Moon.

This issue’s Small Step for Space:  Listen to the skies.

You can make your own home SETI station with diagrams found here:http://www.setileague.org/hardware/blkdiag.htm
Or contribute your home computer’s processing power to the analysis of signals with the SETI at home project, here: http://setiathome.berkeley.edu/

Book Recommendation

Contact by Carl Sagan
Eleanor Arroway is a dedicated listener.  When she finds the first signal originating from an extra-terrestrial intelligence, it takes all her skill to communicate with two worlds.  What does the signal mean?  Can she get our world to listen to her - and to the extra-terrestrials?  How can we speak across large differences in understanding?  The details of radio astronomy and human politics are well-observed, and the speculations about the others are intriguing.

Self and Others — The Principle of Communication

Welcome to the fifth principle in my series on balancing self and others!  For the duration of this series, my newsletter is going out weekly.
This is the Principle of Communication:  True exchanges make us stronger.
So what exactly is a true exchange?  And why do I call this the Principle of Communication?
There are two aspects that make an exchange true.  First, the trade is truthful - both parties know what they are giving and receiving.  Second,  both parties receive value in the exchange.
That’s a little abstract.  Here’s a specific case:  let’s say you go into a store and see a shirt that looks good.  There’s a price on the tag, and you try it on, and you like it, so you pay the price and take it home.  When you wear the shirt, you enjoy it and are happy with it.  That’s a true exchange.  You knew what you were getting.  You knew what you would pay.  You exchanged your money for the shirt, in a way that benefited both you and the store.
Another way of saying this is that the shirt sale was win/win - both you and the store came out ahead in the exchange.
On the other hand, let’s say your financial planner recommended a financial instrument - a mortgage derivative.  You’re not quite sure what it is - in fact, maybe no one is sure - but the company offering it promises a great return and a safe investment.  So you put some money in it, and then six months later, the company dissolves and you lose all your money.  It turns out the company deliberately deceived customers about the quality of this investment and the stability of the company.  You gave value - your money - and did not receive value in return.  That was not a true exchange.  It violated both the value and the truthfulness requirements for a true exchange.
The world is full of opportunities for true exchanges, and it takes communication to make them happen.  If you offer friendship in return for friendship, that can be value for value - or, if you and your proposed friend don’t mean the same things by friendship, and you don’t clear up the misunderstanding, one or both of you can end up feeling unhappy and misused.  The same is true of offering love for love - and even more intensely felt.
Business transactions work best as true exchanges.  Sales are a simple and clear example.  Another exchange is hiring someone:  you exchange their time for your money.  You might make more complicated exchanges, such as having a massage therapist sell your skin cream for a portion of the profits.
When exchanges are true, both parties are better off after making the exchange.  To make sure exchanges are true, we tell the truth and offer true value.
This newsletter is an exchange.  I write articles and tips that I hope will be useful to you and send them to you.  In exchange, you give me a little of your time and attention.  That lets me tell you about other exchanges I have to offer, from time to time.  Those exchanges include my coaching for money, my editing for money, your feedback for my efforts to make this better, my book recommendations for small commissions on books bought at Amazon, and books and e-courses I have for sale.
None of those secondary exchanges are obligations.   If those offers would be true exchanges for you, I hope you will make the trade with me!
With all my best wishes,
Anna

Writing Tip

What is the value your writing offers to others?  Will your readers gain excitement, how-to information, laughs, or something else from reading your writing?  Will they be moved?  Know what you offer your readers in exchange for their time and money.

Small Steps

“That’s one small step for [a] man, one giant leap for mankind.”
Neil Armstrong, as he placed the first footprint on the Moon.

This issue’s Small Step for Space:  Know what value you want from space activities.

I take great value in seeing my species continue to explore, learn, and eventually, have more than one home.  You may be more interested in economic possibilities or the chance to travel into a new environment.  When you know the value you seek, you can make the efforts and support the policies that bring you that value.

Book Recommendation

Merchanter’s Luck by C. J. Cherryh
It’s not always easy to trust enough to tell the truth and offer a true exchange.  In this early book in Cherryh’s Stationer Universe, Sandor is the last surviving member of both his family and the crew of a small starship.  He is short on cash and desperate for business and for help to run the ship.  Watch the exchanges he makes, and see which ones are true and which are not - and how each type of exchange turns out.  Cherryh is an author very alert to subtleties of truth and value.