We start our learning by copying people we admire. Do you remember how your idols seemed to shine more brightly than everyone around them? Think especially of when you were a teen. Were there people you wanted not just to be like, but to BE?
At first, we think our parents can do no wrong. Later, it may be the team captain or the most popular girl in school - or a performer, an author, an astronaut, a local businesswoman. There’s someone we see who seems more than human, almost mythic, flawless. At least for a while, they seem to stand head and shoulders above the crowd.
It seems to be part of being human to idolize some other humans. Jung wrote that we are often drawn to people whose qualities we need. Martha Beck, more boldly, said that falling in love with inappropriate people is one of the ways our essential self shows us the way to go. I’ve gone through periods of intense admiration of writers, figure skaters, origami folders, and musicians. Sometimes the feeling softens over time, leaving a less compulsive appreciation or even indifference. Sometimes, the idol falls suddenly.
I vividly remember the moment when I turned a corner to find the basketball captain swearing meanly at another student. My junior high crush evaporated in an instant. More recently, I saw someone I’d admired speaking bitterly and broadly about an entire ethnic group. My feelings were very mixed.
Sooner or later, every human has a flaw. What do we do when we discover the errors of our idols?
This strategy has let me keep the learning without falling into cynicism. Try these steps:
1. Grieve if necessary. A hero is a fine image to aspire to, and finding flaws can feel like a loss. Acknowledge that feeling of loss.
2. Recognize that we are all human. Everyone has off days and weaknesses. There would be no one to learn from if we could only learn from the perfect.
3. Therefore, be willing to take the good and leave the bad from whomever you learn from.
4. Appreciate your own judgment and growth, that you now realize what you aspire to and what you reject.
This is growing up - becoming more equal to those we admire - by claiming our own ability to choose what is right and wrong for us.
So I’ve come to a calmer appreciation of that person I’d admired. I still value the qualities of confidence, commitment to a cause, and outspoken passion. I can still aspire to those, though my idol proved imperfect.
And I wish you, too, nuanced learning from your heroes.
In honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day, Space Pirates will be on sale for one day only. On September 19th, go to the Flying Pen Press website and order your copies at 35% off. Arrrh! That’s a sale worth dueling for! Here’s the treasure map:
What: Talk Like a Pirate Day Special on Space Pirates (FIC-S-01001)
When: One-day only: This Friday, 9/19/08
Where: http://flyingpenpress.com/catalog
How: When you check out, enter the coupon code: ARRRH
Why: Shiver me timbers! What pirate doesn’t want 35% off fifteen rollicking tales of space piracy, including one by me!
One use per customer. No quantity limitations. Does not apply to shipping or tax.
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